How we Unknowingly Create the Reality of our Beliefs as Personal Delusions

There’s an interesting thing about beliefs that make them hard to realize as not being true. Anything that we belief to be true, and therefore real, we create through our ability to “see it” in any situation. We see it not as an actual reality in and of itself, but as an “interpretation” of reality. A belief is usually formed as an interpretation of reality rather than an objective observation of an actual event. We can have difficulty understanding the power of belief in forming our reality because we don’t understand that what we call “reality” is formed as our “perception”, and it’s our “mind” that producing our perception. The subconscious aspect of our mind is what serves to shape all of our outer perceptions of reality to match our inner perceptions by “what we tell ourselves” about something. Because our outer reality is produced by our subconscious in an automatic fashion (unconsciously), we lack “direct awareness” of the fact that we’re actually the “one” telling our subconscious what to produce through our very “thoughts”.

If we look at the true nature of how a belief is constructed we can gain awareness around how it is that we’re creating our reality with our thoughts and intention. A belief doesn’t originate as an objective observation of reality that exists independent of us, but results rather from the “meaning” we give things by what we tell ourselves about them. Most people don’t realize that our internal dialogue as our thought processes is how we use “one aspect” of our mind to communicate with and direct the creative process of “another aspect” of our mind. What we consciously think about and picture in our mind as an inner experience of reality is actually directing our subconscious on what to create as a consistent and ongoing outer reality of the same nature and kind.

Another common mistake that results from a lack of self-awareness in understanding our own creative ability to produce our reality, comes by perceiving beliefs as being singular and independent of each other, rather than resulting from a “dynamic system of correlated beliefs”. As children, we have the full capacity of our subconscious mind, while our logical, rational, reasoning mind hasn’t developed yet. It’s the rational and discriminating “thought producing” aspect of our mind that acts as the “gatekeeper” to our subconscious, and has the ability to rationally evaluate and logically analyze ideas in order to “decide” what to “let in and take hold”, and what to reject and keep out. When only the subconscious is dominantly active, we readily take in and internalize whatever we witness happening around us and whatever it is we’re told is true and real. We have no ability to discriminate and simply create the reality of whatever we’re taught. Because we can create any idea as an imaginary experience that makes it seem real, we form a belief around it as being real and therefore true.

It’s our conscious, thinking mind of outer awareness that perceives a world of separation and tells stories about things as being apart from and independent of us, while the subconscious sees everything as connected and related and simply acts to internalize whatever is happening to make it “about us” personally. While in our subconscious, group mind, we imagine that we’re apart of everything that’s happening around us, and that whatever someone says about us is describing us in some way, and we form all of our initial beliefs accordingly. As children we perceive ourselves as being a part of our family unit and intimately connected to our parents. We imagine that their pain and sorrow is somehow our fault or because of us, and that we can change it by changing ourselves. In a similar manner we can have a tendency to believe that we can also make them happy or take away their pain by doing something special or changing how we’re acting.

As children, all of our perceptions stem from our emotions and we form our initial beliefs about ourselves and life in general out of emotional states we acquired from our parents and family dynamics. Whatever they were feeling and outwardly expressing, we feel to, and whatever we hear them saying about us or talking about with others, we take in without discretion and internalize as being a fact. Because we create it internally as an imaginary reality based on feelings, we perceive it as being real and therefore true. We listen to whatever is being said about us and we form a belief around it without questioning it, and it becomes a form of self-fulfilling prophecy. The subconscious isn’t literal like the conscious mind, and creates out of thematic ideas that it uses as metaphors.

If our parent has a tendency to scold us by telling us to “quit acting like an idiot”, we don’t have the evaluation skills to associate it with a particular behavior or act, and instead come to believe that we’re an idiot as a general rule. If our parent is upset and crying, or lashing out in anger, telling us that we ruined their life, we translate that into meaning we’re not loved or wanted, and we begin acting that way as a general theme that carries over into every aspect of our life. Once we internalize an idea and make it into an experience of reality as meaning something about us and about how others see us, it becomes a “core belief” as a primary life theme, which, as we go along we continue to create more experiences of the same kind in different relationships and situations, spawning correlating beliefs of a similar nature.

Our parent(s) not wanting us becomes everybody not wanting us. We develop all of our relationships in a way that results in us being rejected, ridiculed, blamed, disliked, and abandoned in the most basic sense. We then form a belief that everyone, our romantic partner, friends, and co-workers don’t want us, and we not only go into every situation with an attitude, intention, and expectation of not being wanted, we also unconsciously produce the behaviors that cause us to not be wanted. We often display an attitude of treating others in a way that makes them feel unwanted by us, causing them to respond to us in a like manner. The very behavior and reality we expect we also unconsciously produce that causes us to consistently be rejected, ignored, abandoned, or left out in the cold.

Because this is an unconscious process, we usually do it without any real awareness of what or how it is we’re doing it. Then, when the other person or group responds in kind by thinking that we don’t like or want to be around them, we create the experience of “once again” not being loved or wanted. Beliefs are the unconscious formula for consistently producing the reality of the belief that bridges the inner, imagined reality with the outer, actual reality to be of the same nature as a “type of experience”. We can have a tendency to do this our whole life without ever realizing that we’re actually the one doing it to ourselves and others.

The Nature of Core Beliefs

 We all form our core beliefs as our mental model produced in our formative years as our initial conditioning. A core belief is created while we’re in a primarily unconscious state as an imaginary reality produced by the emotion we were feeling at the time we formed it. A belief is a holistic pattern as a “model” used for perceiving that contains every ingredient (emotion, mood, thought, imagined reality, set of behaviors, memories, etc.) necessary to produce the reality of the belief, except for the rational, logical, and reasoning aspect. A core belief is used as the means for providing us with an “instant interpretation” of reality that transforms every objective fact or situation into the reality of the belief, making it difficult for us to realize that we’re the one creating it. Due to the fact that it appears to us as an honest evaluation of what’s actually happening, we can interpret even the most loving and caring behaviors to mean the opposite. When someone openly demonstrates wanting to be with us, we don’t trust it, think they’re lying, and instead of using it as evidence that contradicts and undermines our belief, we reshape it to conform to our belief, and continue to act as if it’s true.

This usually results from the fact that our entire paradigm used for perceiving the world is structured out of our core beliefs as a correlated system that all acts to explain, describe, validate, and justify our beliefs through every aspect of our perception. We usually don’t know how to accept a contradictory idea as possibly being true and create an experience of “being loved and wanted”. We don’t know how to “be” in that situation. We don’t know how to act as if we’re wanted. We’ll literally fight, accuse, and challenge anyone who claims to want us, until it makes them “not want us anymore”. Then we think, “ah ha, I knew it, you were just lying the whole time”, usually without realizing that we were hell-bent on creating it the whole time. We have no model for how to be in a situation where we honestly feel loved and wanted, and so we don’t know how to act.

Likewise, someone who believes they’re an “idiot” or stupid will continuously produce the behaviors that warrant them being called an idiot, because they don’t have a model for “being” smart. For this reason our belief system as our mental paradigm is only transformed through a gradual process of realizing our beliefs and consciously deciding to “question them” by considering contradictory evidence that will ultimately serve to modify them. It’s only through a continuous process of study and self-reflection that we’re able to begin incorporating new information that serves to grow and evolve our current ideas about our self and our life.

We can begin realizing our own unconscious tendencies and correct them through consciously developing new concepts of ourselves, embodying new feelings and qualities, and intentionally employing new ways of being and behaving. As we begin looking at life from a new perspective while intentionally embodying qualities as a new way of being, we can learn how to begin telling a new kind of story about our life. This is something that only we can do for ourselves through self-awareness that brings realization around the creative nature of our mind and our ability to create and transform ourselves. If someone else tries to interject contradictory evidence that discredits our beliefs about our self, we’ll argue to defend them as being true and accurate. And, as the saying goes . . . “whatever we argue to defend is ours to keep”. We have to open our mind in being willing to consider a new possibility for ourselves.

Dr. Linda Gadbois

  

I spend hundreds of hours a month writing, editing, designing, and managing this website in order to provide the highest quality of knowledge possible in the area of Spiritual Sciences and Applied Psychology for FREE to those who are seeking it. If you have found the information on this site to be valuable and beneficial to your personal growth and development, please consider making a donation and actively supporting my work . . .

Our First Birth – How we become a Product of our Conditioning

This process is very important to understand in order to heal psychologically and in order to intentionally evolve our soul to higher levels of conscious empowerment by stepping into our true identity as higher creative beings. What we refer to as both our mind and soul is 3-fold in nature. What this means is that it’s a “whole unit” comprised of 3 aspects that perform different functions in creating the same thing. The mind and soul are synonymous terms and ideas that are ultimately referring to the same thing. The soul creates through the vehicle of the mind, just as the mind creates through the vehicle of the body. All three are actually extensions of the same being operating congruently on different levels of reality.

The soul can be thought of as a multiple-dimensional entity that’s comprised of information that’s organized into thematic, archetypal patterns that serves to give it all of its qualities, characteristics, and natural behaviors. It “draws on” higher dimensions of archetypal ideas as a means of creating itself within the lower dimension as a “unique individual” of its own making. The more complex and sophisticated the information used and more ordered it is, the more intelligent it is. The higher human soul differs from the lower, animal soul (which is a creation and extension of it) in the sense that it has the fully conscious aspect of the mind that allows it to become self-aware and learn through realizations obtained through its own self-created experiences. It also differs in status as a “sovereign being” that exists consciously on multiple planes, and forms an awareness of “itself” as a specific personality on two planes simultaneously.

What we refer to as the human soul originates on a plane that’s “higher” than this one and never fully manifests-descends into a physical body. While on the higher (spiritual) plane of its birth and origin the soul exists in an energetic state of polarity, which is referred to as “complementary opposites” of the same being. The soul is comprised of both a masculine (active) and passive (feminine) aspect that works together harmoniously to produce a unified reality as both an inner and outer experience of the same kind. Because the soul is energetic in nature and exists in a fundamental state of polarity, only the passive component is able to act as a “receiver” for information delivered through its active component, even as the means of communicating between parallel planes. As the feminine, subconscious aspect of the mind is impregnated with the seeded idea of the masculine, self-conscious aspect of the same mind, it gestates and grows the idea in the imagination as an inner reality that becomes the template as a theme for producing (organizing) an equivalent outer reality as an “experience”.

The two masculine-active (self-aware) aspects of the same mind can’t communicate directly with each other (even between planes), and so they have to communicate with each other through the feminine aspect they both share in common. All communication from our higher-self on a higher plane, comes through the subconscious mind as a thought, vision, or inner voice that seems to come to us out of the blue, and ultimately communicates an idea by forming it into a reality where the self-conscious (outer awareness) aspect of the mind can perceive it. As a thought pops into our mind and we begin thinking about it, we develop it into a detailed idea as an imagined reality that forms a “translucent image” that we “look through” in order to perceive that same idea as a natural part of our outer environment.

This is how what we call “guidance” from a higher source comes to us as a form of prophecy. The feminine aspect takes in the “idea” being projected into it by the masculine aspect of the higher mind that acts like a “seed”, and builds it into a living reality in the imagination, where it’s “magnetized” with our life-force and begins “vibrating” at the frequency of the form as a living pattern. All vibration has both a pattern as a thematic, metaphorical idea (archetype) in it, and a self-organizing mechanism that shapes the idea into a reality in our imagination. The more we think about it, the more we define it in sensory terms, shaping it into a detailed form where it automatically elicits a corresponding emotion.

This imagined reality as a well-developed (sensory) idea that’s been adapted to our life circumstances (mental model) and modified accordingly, begins vibrating at a certain frequency and resonates and connects us with the elements of that same idea in our outer environment. Just as our subconscious organizes the idea into an internal reality through adaptation that modifies it into a corresponding version of the same idea that can be applied naturally to our specific life situation, it simultaneously produces that same idea as a larger version that can be witnessed by the self-conscious mind as an outer reality. As we form an idea internally and magnetize it with sensation and feelings that cause it to vibrate (come alive), it produces a kind of gravitational field (resonates) that draws us into the same idea as an outer experience of the same kind.

Evolution – Adaptation and the Art of Becoming

As the higher soul divides and descends into a body on the lower, material plane of organized substance, it’s like a “seed” that grows and develops in order to become a unique version itself through an evolutionary process of adaptation and modification. As a higher soul we’re born into a material body where the same mind inherent in the entire animal, plant, and mineral kingdoms of the Earth’s plane is pregnant with the archetypal ideas of the masculine aspect of the higher mind. The self-conscious aspect of the mind, which is what most people think of as their “self” and their “mind”, is birthed through a natural growth process when the personality of the body is mature enough to become independent of its mother and family, and begins developing itself as an “individual”.

Our growth and development takes place predominately in four 7 year cycles, much like the seasons, which are comprised of two extremes and two gradual progressions between extremes. From birth until around 7 years of age, we’re fully in our subconscious mind and haven’t begun developing our self-conscious aspect, also commonly referred to as the “grey matter” of our brain, which is directly behind our forehead. Between 7 and 14 we begin forming our self-conscious where we begin separating from our parents, becoming more social, and begin thinking and problem solving for ourselves. Between 14 and 21, we consistently develop and strengthen our self-conscious mind and begin shaping our identity as an extension of our personality. We experiment with new ways of being that are different from our parents and family and try on new ideas to see how they make us feel about ourselves, and begin making conscious decisions as to who we’re going to be. Between 21 and 28, we’ve balanced both aspects of our subconscious-group mind and our self-conscious individual mind, and have become fully identified with our body and conditioning, and whatever life circumstances we grew up in.

From birth till around 8 years old, we exist in a fundamental state of hypnosis where we have no ability to screen and censor incoming information in order to make rational decisions about it, and we take in whatever we’re told and accept it as true and real, forming all of what becomes our “core beliefs”. We readily take on the emotions being expressed around us and are trained to the dynamics being acted out that we’re a natural part of. We don’t question anything or analyze it in any way, and haven’t developed the capacities of reason and logic. We’re literally programmed by our family and immediate environment to be of the same nature and lifestyle. We feel, experience, and act as a single unit with our family and social environment.

As we continue to grow and begin developing our self-conscious, self-aware mind and begin thinking for ourselves, we continue forming all of our perceptions out of our conditioned mental paradigm as an “extension” of it. We can only “perceive” in the outer world what “matches” and is of the same nature as our internal programming. We begin sensing ourselves as our body through our experiences and begin making small decisions for ourselves. As we continue to develop our ability to think for ourselves, our internal dialogue and basic thought-processes are formed as an extension or continuation of our formative conditioning. Our experience of our self and our life is formed out of the same mindset and “type of story” that we’ve been conditioned with.

As an adolescent, when we have experiences that are emotionally intense, we use our mind to try and make sense of them by what we tell ourselves about them. As we begin talking to ourselves as a means of reasoning and rationalizing, we interpret events in a way that gives them meaning. At this point, we’re still somewhat one with our parents and family unit as a fundamental mindset and haven’t begun forming clear ideas of ourselves as being separate from everyone else.

Due to the fact that we haven’t established boundaries or a true sense of ourselves as adults, capable of making decisions for ourselves based on our own values and perceptions, we continue to make everything out to be about us and we’re deeply affected by the attitude and behavior of others. If our parents are hurt or upset, we think we must have caused it or think we can fix it. It must have been our fault somehow, so we can change it by changing ourselves. If someone lashes out or calls us names, we believe it’s true and it becomes a part of our narrative. Whatever we hear being said about us by others, we believe to be true, and it becomes a form of self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever we make something mean about others and the way things are also means that same thing about us. We don’t have the ability to separate ourselves from others because we’re still operating as a part of the group mind.

As we approach and enter into our teen-age years of adolescence, hormones and puberty come into play and we begin having new physical urges and mood swings. As we become more and more independent while also being socially active and engaged in constant outside activities, we still process everything through our conditioned mindset and the emotional states that have become natural as habits. As we begin exercising our ability to create our own experiences and try out new ways of being, they still come only as what’s an extension of the moods and dynamics that we’ve been trained to. Our relationships with our friends become an extension as a variation of the same relationship we had with our siblings. Whatever “type” of relationship was openly demonstrated for us by our parents becomes the same type of romantic relationships we form.

As we become adults, between 21 and 28 years old, we establish ourselves as independent of our parents and fully on our own. We form relationships as a tight network, enter into our careers, become parents ourselves, and so on, and we develop all of our tendencies that evolved out of our conditioning into routines, schedules, and methodical rituals that habituate them even further. Our identity has been fully established as the offspring of our personality and we’ve developed our “life-theme” as the model that we use to perceive and interpret all of our experiences as a congruent “type” of story. We’re always telling a certain kind of story about ourselves and everything else by how we think and form our perceptions of things. If you pay close attention you’ll notice that you’re always talking to yourself and explaining, describing, or telling a story about things as the means of creating how you experience them by fitting them congruently into your overall model, and how you then “sense yourself” through your own experiences.

Most people live their entire life out of their conditioning as being formed by others and their life conditions and circumstances without ever realizing that they can change it. Most are completely identified with their body and its personality and have no perception or awareness of themselves outside of their physical existence. They live their whole life in a hypnotic state and continue to create their experiences and tell the story born out of their mental and emotional programming. We often live out of a form of “auto-pilot” without ever realizing that as adults, with a fully developed mind, we can use the self-aware aspect of our mind to form new realizations that will allow us to make new decisions for our self and our life. We can intentionally employ ideas that we turn into vivid internal realities as the means of programming our own subconscious and begin creating ourselves and our life in a more conscious and intentional manner.

Once we begin to understand how our own mind operates to create our experiences of ourselves and our reality, we can resume the role of conditioning ourselves through a form of self-hypnosis. The subconscious is the powerhouse of the material plane and is the aspect of the mind that takes an idea (metaphor) in its seed form (potential state) and produces a physical equivalent as both our body and the outer reality of our body. We don’t have to transcend our conditioning or work through the “issues” of our childhood traumas, but simply assume the role of learning how to condition ourselves through the employment of our higher capacities as divine beings. We all have the ability to become self-aware and gain realizations about our true nature, and begin intentionally deciding who we are, what we want to create, and take deliberate action on our decisions in order to turn them into our reality.

Complementary Aspects of the Mind

The subconscious is the key and medium not only between the two material minds on the lower plane, but also between the higher (spiritual) and lower (material) plane. It’s our higher-self that possesses the higher creative capacity of “will” which acts to organize all of the events of the lower plane. Whatever we absorb into our mind as an idea and turn into an imagined thought that’s emotionally intense, acts as a “wish” or request for the higher aspect of the mind to orchestrate through a synchronized series of natural events. It doesn’t exercise will “over” us, but exists in union and harmony with all aspects of itself. We communicate wishes to our higher self through meditation, prayer, and internal visualization of the reality we want to experience.

Whenever we run a memory through our mind that was traumatic or emotionally intense in some way, we’re actually programming our subconscious with that idea as a theme saying “give me more of this”. As we think and imagine, whether about what we want or don’t want, we are requesting it from our higher-self as a desired experience of reality. Whatever we think about and picture in our mind with sensory intensity and emotion, serves as a command, directive and request for producing as an experience where every aspect of our mind cooperates in producing it. It’s through “imagined thoughts” that invoke strong emotions that we program our own mind in creating. We are always involved in a constant form of prayer as a request for creating as an experience through our normal, everyday thoughts. Our thoughts are literally “things” in their potential state.

None of us are victims of our conditioning or what happened to us, and we can all work in our own life to transform ourselves in whatever way we desire by learning how to operate the complementary aspects of our own mind. All creation in the material sense comes by impregnating your subconscious with the reality and type of experience you desire. By realizing you are not a product of your story about yourself, but the one telling the story “as” a reality. It’s only through the realization of what’s actually going on and our true identity as a higher creative being that we can let go of our attachment to our past, wake up in the midst of our creation and begin consciously directing the process in an intentional manner. As long as we continue to choose to remain unconscious and unaware of our true creative abilities, we remain a victim to our own conditioning and prone to the endless forms of brainwashing where we’re consistently being created by accepting and internalizing the ideas given to us by others. As in all forms of true healing, “awareness as realization” is what empowers us and produces a form of spontaneous transformation.

To say and continue to believe that you are the way you are because of what happened to you, how you were treated and taught to be by others, is choosing to remain hypnotized by an illusion of your own making. As you continue to live in a delusional state as a fundamental form of unconsciousness, you become like an animal that has no ability to be self-determined and create in a deliberate and precise manner. You are a victim to your own karma while continuing to create more karma of the same type. You simply repeat patterns over and over. By choosing to wake up and realize what’s really going on and why your life is the way it is, lays the foundation necessary for you to begin not only stepping into your creative power, but also deciding “who it is” you really want to be. Through conscious awareness we can form an “ideal” of our self that we use as the means of providing ourselves with a blueprint and step-by-step process of transformation.

Personal Transformation as our Second Birth

What we refer to as our “second birth” comes when we’re “born again” as a new and higher being while in the same body and life circumstances in a fully conscious and self-aware state. We’re no longer formed out of subliminal suggestions and emotional reactions given to us by others that we embody and make our own, but by our own volition and ability to consciously decide who we’re going to be in every moment and then use the conscious aspect of our mind to seed the subconscious aspect with the fully developed metaphorical idea that we want it to produce as an outer experience of ourselves as a reality. We create ourselves by creating how we experience reality. As we form our perception of reality we sense ourselves within that reality and identify with our own experience.

By consciously forming how we experience the events of our life, we can begin gaining direct insight into our own subconscious content and working with our mind in a deliberate manner in order to transform it. All reality is formed through our perception of it. All perception is the result of our mental paradigm which is structured out of correlated values, beliefs, preferences, attitudes, and memories, which form a vibratory frequency.  Out of our frequency as a mental model we form our perception of a reality that’s a projection of our mind. Our outer perception of reality contains both known and unknown aspects of ourselves. By becoming aware of our unconscious aspects through our perception of them as a natural part of our outer reality, we can act intentionally “on ourselves” to transform them.

While we think that reality exists independent of us and has nothing to do with us in the most basic sense, the fact is reality is formed as our “perception” and how we form our “experiences” based on our perception. The same outer reality, for example, can be experienced in entirely different ways based on what state of mind we’re in. When we’re happy and feeling inspired the same neutral set of circumstances is experienced in a completely different way than when we’re sad and depressed. What one person perceives as a tragedy is often a blessing in disguise. What one person sees as a limitation another sees as an opportunity. It’s not the outer environment itself that changes, but how we choose to experience it based on the mindset we consciously cultivate in perceiving it.

Dr. Linda Gadbois  

    

I spend hundreds of hours a month writing, editing, designing, and managing this website in order to provide the highest quality of knowledge possible in the area of Spiritual Sciences and Applied Psychology for FREE to those who are seeking it. If you have found the information on this site to be valuable and beneficial to your personal growth and development, please consider making a donation and actively supporting my work . . .

     

Self-Mastery: Learning how to not be affected by others

Many of us spend our whole life a slave to the attitude, behaviors, and opinions of other people. We’re in a constant form of reaction from one moment to the next, beings jerked around like a puppet on strings, often crushed by a rude comment. If someone is hateful or sarcastic in some way towards us, it can throw us into a tailspin that can last for days, weeks, or even months. Someone with a bad attitude that’s also aggressive can outright terrify us, especially with all the mass shootings being staged and publicized around the world. Most people spend their entire life being shaped and determined by other people and the rules of society, usually without any direct awareness of how it’s happening or the reason why. Many people have completely lost touch with their soul and their real power to create in their life, and don’t even realize it.

One of the most basic forms of empowerment comes from a fundamental understanding of psychology and what it is that drives people’s behaviors. By coming to understand what drives other people’s behaviors, we can gain a better understanding of our own behavior in response to them. We’re all only capable of “bringing out in others” more of what’s “like us”. Whatever qualities we embody and express outwardly act to stimulate and bring out those same qualities in others as a natural response to us. Energetically, we’re always vibrating the same state of mind in everyone we interact with. We’re always in the process of mentally and emotionally influencing others to become more like us by how we perceive them and treat them accordingly.

Anyone who has been beat down and criticized as a child, either grows up to beat others down with the same type of criticism and mental attitude, or they remain super sensitive to anyone who has an attitude of criticizing them. The act of criticizing produces an equal and complementary reaction. The effect produced is always an expression of what caused it. There are no exceptions to this rule. The confusion tends to come when we only look at one side of the equation, instead of recognizing that everything operates as a whole pattern. All patterns form as a “dynamic” that’s holistic in nature and played out unconsciously through our basic perception, attitude, conditioned tendencies, and automatic behaviors.

Most people when being criticized or dealing with a sarcastic or mean person, focus almost exclusively on the person they perceive as doing it “to them”, rather than focusing on what’s happening inside of them as their own reaction. All energy, which is what emotional expression is, exists in a fundamental state of polarity as complementary opposites that move in-sync with each other. Anger, for example, provokes either and equal or greater response of anger, which escalates and intensifies it, or it causes a fearful response that backs down and becomes submissive. Any emotional response, whether sympathetic or antipathetic, nurtures and sustains the anger/emotion because both people are cooperating with each other in co-creating a joint reality out of the “active force” of anger. Any “reaction”, which comes in an immediate and automatic fashion that matches the energy being projected, is a basic form of control. Anytime we’re reacting, we’re being controlled by whatever it is we’re reacting to. The easiest way there is to control someone is through their emotions and the sensationalized realities they create internally.

 Every human being develops their own “mental paradigm” based on their formative conditioning. All of our initial conditioning takes place while we’re in a primarily unconscious state, and acts to literally “program” our subconscious as the “model” of reality we form from it. All of our values, beliefs, preferences, and initial (developmental) memories are instilled in us as kids through our family dynamics. As we become adults our basic personality and way of perceiving others and the world around us has been firmly established and we simply continue to live out of the same perceptions, tendencies, and relationship dynamics that we were a part of as kids. We continue to view the world and others the same way we were taught. In psychology we say that “we become one of our parents, and we marry the other one”. Whatever type of relationships was modeled for us as kids and that we played an active role in, becomes the same type of relationships we enter into and maintain romantically, socially, and professionally. We play out the same ideas over and over with different people and situations.

These dynamics become the themes that serve as a metaphor for our life. They usually involve ideas around our self-esteem (image of ourselves), such as not being good enough, not being worthy, not loved or wanted, being stupid, bad, ugly, and so on, which is why they ultimately serve as self-fulfilling prophecies that we wrap our identify around as adults. We “become” whatever we’ve been programmed psychologically to become by what we were told, heard being said about us, and how we were treated by those we cared about the most. These life themes become what we refer to psychologically as “core beliefs” that are like the nucleus of our mental model and spawn all of our other beliefs as being correlated to the same basic idea.

Dissecting Our Experience

In order to really grasp the significance of this idea, let’s take a moment and examine how it is that we create our experiences. While we tend to think that others are capable of doing something “to us”, when we examine the process closely, we can realize that we’re actually the one doing it to ourselves. We are in fact the sole creator of all our “experiences”. This idea is often confused as being our “reality” in the objective sense of what happens outside of us, when in fact how we experience what happens to us is an internal process that we perform and conduct “on” ourselves using our mind. Creating our experiences comes initially as an “unconscious process”, which means we do it naturally without any “direct awareness” of the fact that we’re actually the one doing it to ourselves. Due to the naturalness of the process, it usually completely eludes us. Yet in order to gain control over our own natural and unconscious processes, we have to form an understanding of them as a mental concept. So let’s turn our full attention inward and become aware of how we form our reactions to others.

When someone says or does something that’s offensive, hurtful, sarcastic, or mean, something that’s designed to get a rise out of us and place us in their control, we experience it as an intense internal stimulus that comes as an “emotional charge”. Once you experience the emotional stimulus, you instantly associate it to a memory where the same type of emotion and behavior was involved. Through association to a past event of the same kind, the same emotion and state are awakened and made active in you, bringing it out in you as a natural reaction. Your mind interprets “this” to mean the same thing as “that”, and you react in the present with the same emotional behavior as the past. We then act out the same behaviors and dynamics, and begin telling ourselves the same type of story about what it means about them and us in relation to them.

The story we tell ourselves as our thoughts and internal dialogue follow the same theme as our memory of the past. Emotions are always associated to memories we formed while in the same emotional state. Emotions are what drive and produce all of our natural and automatic behaviors. We’re most naturally and easily made to behave in certain ways through our emotions. Emotional memories give our subconscious the “pattern” it needs for producing automatic realities and behaviors that don’t require any thought, appraisal or decisions.

When we live out of our emotions we live out of the memories and conditioning of our past and continue to create more of the same type of experiences. We repeat the same patterns with the same type of people and relive the same type of experiences in new ways over and over. As we create our experiences, we simultaneously identify with them, and shape ourselves “through” our experiences. We once again replay the broken and worn out record that says we’re not good enough, worthless, stupid, not wanted, loved, blah, blah, blah, and due to the fact that we produce an “experience of ourselves” out of the emotional charge, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

From a purely psychological perspective, we only “react” to and feel hurt or threatened by those who are conditioned to the same type of dynamics as we are, and therefore naturally play the role necessary for acting it out. Whenever we’re triggered by someone’s behavior towards us, it’s actually providing us with a mirror to learn how to see things in ourselves that we’re normally not fully aware of. It’s showing us where we’re still living out of the illusions and pain of the past that we never came to terms with, identified accurately, or put to rest. It’s still alive and active within us because we haven’t gained any real awareness around it that brought self-realization. Due to the fact that we still maintain a belief around it as being true, we continue to faithfully act it out over and over with the right people.

A person’s attitude and behaviors stem from their mental paradigm and psychological complexes, and in reality, have nothing to do with us. When someone calls us stupid, it doesn’t mean that we are in fact stupid, but shows us that they were made to feel stupid as a kid growing up, and are now compensating by trying to make others feel stupid in order to somehow elevate themselves above them. The lower they make someone else, the higher they become in comparison. They’re unconscious beings who are used to verbally attacking others in the same way they were verbally abused. Their opinion, perception, attitude and conduct only serves to “reveal” who “they are” and says nothing meaningful about us . . . unless, of course, we let it.

When we take what others say and do personally by internalizing it, we actually believe what they’re saying and accept it as being true about us, especially if we grew up being called the same names. The reason we “react emotionally” is because we’re used to it and we’ve been treated that way in the past. When we react by being hurt or offended, we’re actually agreeing with them and may secretly feel it’s somehow true. That’s what a reaction is. We know how to play a role in the reality they’re creating, and so we cooperate by participating in making it real. For example, if you know you’re not stupid or dumb, and someone calls you that, it has no effect on you in the most basic sense; outside of the fact that you may think they’re being rude. Nothing gets stimulated internally and there are no memories of the same type that are necessary to produce and automatic and immediate reaction. Anytime we react to being called a name it’s because deep down inside we think it may be true.

Self-Observation and Realization

In order to understand this psychological process, simply observe your own reactions from a neutral and unbiased standpoint. Start by finding a place and time where you can have privacy, and sit calmly and fully relax. Then recall an event where you felt hurt or upset by something someone said or did to you, and reflect on it in slow motion. Slow it down and review it step by step. Recall what was said or done, how it was said or done, what attitude, emotions, and behaviors were involved, and what it was regarding. Then turn all of your attention inward and focus exclusively on your own internal process.

Recall the emotional charge as it entered your body, and notice where in your body it lodged and stimulated you. Notice the nature of the stimulus by describing it in sensory terms. Was it sharp and stabbing, did it give you a sinking feeling, or did it cause you to feel afraid or scared? Notice what emotion was activated in you, and while refraining from going into a reaction again or telling yourself a story about it that justifies your right to react the way you did, just notice and witness what you’re thought process was and what it seemed to be about.

Allow yourself to notice what it brought up for you. What memory of the past started playing out in the background of your mind. What is it that you begin telling yourself about what it “means”? Then allow a natural chain-of-association to form as any other related or similar memories or scenario’s that it acted to prompt. Notice and become aware of anything that arises in relation to this event. Resist the tendency to repress it in any way, explain it away, or justify your right to be hurt or upset, and just observe your own internal process from a neutral and unbiased perspective. Then allow yourself to realize that you’re actually the one “creating” the state of being hurt or upset. No one is thinking your thoughts or feeling your feelings for you. You’re actually the one “doing it” to yourself by how you’re using your mind and body. It may feel as if you can’t help it (which is what unconscious means), but just notice and watch what’s going on inside of you.

Once you gain true self-awareness around what’s happening and why, and you bring what’s happening unconsciously into conscious awareness, this awareness alone neutralizes its effect. At the same time, you can become aware of what it is in you or about you that you need to heal and transform. All true healing is psychological in nature, and comes only by shedding light on the hidden aspects of your own psyche. We naturally act to heal ourselves by becoming aware of the patterns as memories we incurred as children that are continuing to act out in our life by forming all of our natural perceptions and reactive behaviors. Through awareness of the fact that we’re the one creating the reality of our memories, we dissolve them, and they no longer play out in an automatic fashion. We can be around the same person doing the same thing, and it no longer bothers us. We perceive it in a matter of fact way and no longer engage with them in co-creating that reality for ourselves.

As a general practice, if you do this process of self-reflection anytime you’re being triggered into a reaction of some kind, it’ll help you to become self-aware and resume conscious control of yourself and what it is you’re acting to create. You can begin healing yourself and taking back your power to create in a more aware and responsible manner. As you begin neutralizing your emotional reactions to others and the events of your life, you take back control of your own life. As you start remaining calm and clear headed in relation to others, you can begin developing skill in using your mind and imagination in a more deliberate and purposeful way. As you begin creating from a conscious and self-aware state, you take over the process of facilitating your own growth and development. You take back and begin utilizing your soul’s ability to create yourself from a fully awake and aware state and in whatever way you want and decide to.

Dr. Linda Gadbois